iCan’t

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13-14

I woke up this morning thinking about people and things from my past.
They say hindsight is 20/20.
I say the past is too often viewed thru rose-colored and mis-prescribed glasses.

I thought about a past relationship with someone I cared for quite a bit. I know that he is not “the one” for me, yet I find myself wondering if I made a mistake in breaking things off with him. I remember when things were good between us. We got along very well. Yet the truth is God said He has not just a good friendship but the best relationship prepared for me. As tempting as it would be for me to call the old guy and say let’s give it another try, iCan’t go back. I have to look forward in faith to what God has promised for my future.

Father God had begun impressing on me in 2013 that I won’t have to work my flight attendant job much longer. He said He’s was going to provide the opportunity to leave and the resources to live, just trust Him. I had been with my job for 20+ years at that time and couldn’t figure out how He would work that out. I looked back over my career and thought about all the fun I had traveling the world, meeting interesting people AND getting a steady paycheck. I could miss it but… The truth is it was a physically demanding job. Being a flight attendant is a dangerous, front-line-of-defense-against-terrorism job. I had taken a 40% pay cut and lost my pension during a bad company bankruptcy. It wasn’t all glamour and travel. Nevertheless, I could have just relied on that job’s steady income. But God said traveling for someone else’s company didn’t leave room for the ministry He wants me to do. So iCan’t go back. I’ve had to move forward in trusting God to not only provide resources but also to be my Source.

I, like the children of Israel, have my wilderness moments. I sometimes walk around with an “Egypt” state of mind, tempted to look back at my past with fond memories of days gone by with perceived freedoms and liberties. I see all the people and things I left behind so I could begin my exodus to my promised land in Christ and walk around bemoaning the fact that things were great where I was. I had money. I had friends and could pretty much do what I was grown enough to try and be wherever I was bad enough to go. “At least we had fish, cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic in Egypt” (Numbers 11:5). Yet I have to take off the foggy, rosy-tinged lenses of the past. iCan’t forget I was in complete bondage in some of those places back there. iCan’t forget I was chained in confusion and bound in promiscuity and witchcraft during some of those so-called good times. iCan’t forget I was surrounded by the demons of deception and regularly ate the fruit of my own bad decisions. God delivered me from all that and iCan’t desire to go back. (Hello, Lot’s wife!)

What I have decided today, and everyday forward is iWon’t go back! Everyday, I’m taking off the Egypt mind-set and I’m walking forward out of every wilderness place in my life. I’m moving forward into my promised land that God Himself has said is flowing with milk and honey. If I must look back, it will be only to see the Cross that provides the victory for me to be an overcomer. I’ve come too far now. My feet are in the Jordan and the water is parting away from me to step onto dry ground. I’m stepping out on God’s promises for me because iCan’t, iWon’t go back!